CLINTON

Today, President Bill Clinton made a shocking announcement that he has had sexual relations with alien beings, also known as "alien bitches." The news has sent shock waves across the nation. Conspiracy theorists have rushed to theorize that this is part of an elaborate government cover-up. The White House has refused to comment on the allegations, adding to the suspicion and speculation surrounding the matter. One theory suggests that Clinton was having an extra-terrestrial affair with aliens from the planet Nibiru. This would explain why the President has been so hush-hush about the matter. The Nibirans are believed to be a race of advanced aliens with advanced technologies. It has been suggested that they were secretly teaching the President advanced knowledge in exchange for sexual favors. Other conspiracy theorists are suggesting that the aliens are actually shape-shifting reptilians who have infiltrated the government. They claim that the reptilians are using the President to manipulate the public and further their own plans for world domination. Whatever the truth may be, it is clear that President Clinton has been involved in something highly sussy. It is yet to be seen how this will affect his presidency. In the meantime, it is important to remain vigilant in this time of terror. The big question on everyone elses minds however, is how do we get some alien bitches for ourselves?